Ended ..

261 days , ended after he came back from Vietnam . Yes , finally im back to blogging . Its alr day 17 ..
(":

17 days , how i survived ? Basically , everyday emo lo . I can still remember that day i face to face talk to him itself . Imagine how sad i was ? 3 packets of tissue not enough . Korkor and Ziwei went to find me , despite its raining . Adam went down too , despite its raining . Im near sch , so we went to slack under a block . So korkor actually bought 3 packets of tissue for me , Ziwei and korkor trying to cheer me up by blasting songs . But end up , i just can't stop crying . Gangnam style , national anthem , everything also cry . You know it hurts , and hoping that through crying , everything can be solved .

Basically that day , other then crying , it's still crying . That day after korkor and Ziwei went Northpoint , left me and Adam . He pei me go home , on the bus , everyone like thought he bully me like that . Know why ? Cause in the bus i also can cry . My first time crying on the bus is when he went Beijing , cried like less then 1 min . Second time crying , the day before he went Vietnam . Whole trip . Third time , crying in the bus because he left me .

Reach home , dun need say . Finding people to talk otp with me , hoping that i will feel better . Never talk otp , cry lor . Serenthia suddenly become crybaby le .

So actually im holding on . Despite everyone asking me to let go , im like continuing holding on . Faking a smile , continuing my life , without him . Didn't aspect this will happen . But now it happened alr . It hurts , especially im effing damn emotional at night . I didn't throw away all the stuff he gave me . Im still hugging pooh at night and will be bringing stitch with me when i go back Indonesia . Couple tee , it's still in my wardrobe . Ring , it's still around . Neoprints , still in my wallet . The black book , still with me . Know what ? Idk if i should pass him that black book anot . I scared he will throw away . So end up im keeping . All the stuff , i still keep them . But i guess , he must be trying hard to forget everything .

I know i got to move on , i know i got to let go . I know i need to smile , i need to carry on with my life . But feelings ain't fading . Wallpaper ain't changed , password ain't changed , contact name is also not changed . Even the position in my heart is also not changed . Im way too silly isn't it ? Probably if you guys know what i told Felicia , im gonna be scolded as dumb .

I told Felicia , it doesn't matter if he's gone or what . i don't mind getting hurt myself . Most importantly , he must be happy . Im happy if he is . I don't mind not having happiness , not feeling happy forever if this can make him happy always . 只要他过得好 ，自己痛苦也无所谓 ，不是吗 ？

I always thought that im strong enough to let go . Because i thought that i should be contented , because i once have him , have him for 8 months . But i can't think positively . Know why ? Because im still not contented . I want him forever but not just 8 month plus . I always thought that letting go is an easy thing . But it seems like , im just lying to myself . Feelings are not fading , definitely not . 有些东西 ，注定不能忘吧 。1402 ，注定忘不了 。这一切 ，忘不掉 。

我不想去伤害任何人 。。我不想因为自己的感情 ，我必须去伤害人 。说实话 ，我不值得他们的爱 。。我不想把他们当代替品 。。真的不想 。。对他们一点都不公平 。。My life is like a drama . Whenever im watching shows , some ridiculous things happened inside i will be laughing , telling myself , haha , it's fake . It's so damn ridiculous , won't happen in reality de . But guess what , it happened to me now . Everything just happened in less then 3 weeks . 自己觉得自己被耍 。。

善良 ，心太软 ，到了最后 ，只是一个目的 。我不想伤害人 ，就这么简单 。。宁可自己痛 ，宁可自己受伤 ，也不要去伤害他人 。。这就是我 。。很傻 ，我懂 。看电视时 ，会觉得有些女生很傻 ，令人心疼 。我现在很傻 ，谁心疼我 ？没人 。。

这应该就是现实吧 。。Im looking forward to Wed . Quickly know the results of father's case . Hoping that don't need pay much and 26th i can go back Indonesia alr ! I hope nothing will go wrong . I wanna go back ! Miss my cousins so freaking much . Also going back , hoping that i will feel better after i come back . Basically , i miss them so freaking much , somemore when im not around , can skip lion dance , i don't need to see him .. If not i guess i will break down ..

' Didn't plan to lose you after i got you . But you left , just like this and leaving me here heart broken . Worst , im still waiting for miracles , hoping you'll be back